My new life

26 weeks...yeah I don't know where she all is either, but  by her movements and kick it FEELS like she's sprawled out over my tummy like a blanket even though that's not how babies are. This morning she kicking up close to my rib cage then diagonally down at the left bottom side of my tummy (or perhaps she was doing some kind of punchkick combo) Mr. Baker got to feel her move for the first time.

It is popularly said that a baby changes everything. Well this certainly is the case for me. If you ever read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" did you ever notice that for the first 5 months it listed in the monthly symptoms list "misgivings on pregnancy". I can't say I didn't have them. When I found out I was pregnant I was elated and shocked--I didn't feel pregnant nor did I think we would be so lucky to get pregnant the first time we tried. However not too long afterward doubts began to enter my mind. "Will I enjoy being a mother?" Will I have any time to do the things that I want to do?" "What about my figure, will I get stretchmarks, saggy breasts, and fat?" ---Are you noticing all the pronouns: I,I,I,I
It's not that motherhood is such a hardship but that my attitude at the time would certainly make it so. If I was only concerned about what I was getting out of it I would most definitely be unhappy when the baby came. This wasn't the woman I wanted to be, but I was. I had always dreamed of being so loving and selfless in my role of wife and mother and finding happiness in taking care of my children. It certainly was a wake up call.
I had always been good at following rules all my life, so being a "good mormon" came easily--that is having the appearance of being a "good mormon". It has never been very hard to do all the physical things we are told to do: read scriptures, go to church, pray, dress modestly, pay tithing and all the rest. But actually having Christ at the center of my life and truly being like Him in my heart was a much different story and a struggle in my life that I became aware not too long before college but certainly became a brick wall for me when I got married, one I could not ignore anymore. My doubts about becoming a mother not only revealed to me that not only was this brick wall in my way but that I could not just stand there, I had to climb it, demolish it, dig under it, do something to get passed it.
I've always loved the verses about a virtuous woman in Proverbs 3, it was the woman I wanted to be: she's a good homemaker, productive, gets out of bed early, takes care of her family and others, takes care of her body and appearance, is wise. I thought I was doing all those things: Cleaned house, gardened, cooked, crocheted and sewed (I may be selling things on etsy soon), worked out, completing a well rounded college degree, and even on occasion curled my hair for Mr Baker. But I had to ask myself was I doing all that out of selfless service to my little family or for the personal ego boost that I was doing all those things? And so over these past 6 months I've been working to change me AND my attitude. And little by little I am able to do that. I am so grateful for my little Poppyseed (that was our nickname for Sabrina before we knew whether she was a boy or a girl and its still sticking to her). We here so much about how the example of our little children can influence and change us for the better. I haven't even held her yet, but already she is changing me and I'd much rather be the person I am now because of her than who I was before.
I often like to tell Mr Baker that I literally gave up the world for him, and I did. Before I met him, I was bent on graduating from BYU-Idaho single, going to the UK for graduate school, and traveling through Europe on holidays visiting all those places and paintings I had only seen in all my art history classes, I was going to be a university professors, sophisticated, urbane, the cool, single aunt to all my nieces and nephews buying them the coolest birthday and Christmas gifts from all my travels, then sometime in my 30's after I had done all this then I would marry some successful hottie and have a family.
I'm forever grateful that none of this happened (except for the marrying a successful hottie part--that did happen), because although that plan is perfectly compatible with our society Oprah approved notion of the modern woman, it wasn't making me the KIND of woman I hoped I would be. Yes those would all have been impressive and fun things to do but in the end what were my goals going to make me--more selfish, self-centered, and arrogant.
Yes, Mr Baker and Poppyseed, I gave up the world for you, but you have given me the life I've always wanted.

I take a lot of inspiration from this video of how I want my perspective of motherhood to be. I don't want to see it for what I get out of it but what I give to my family